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Waiting in Line 3D

With the holidays coming up, we’ll all be waiting in longer lines than usual. From waiting to get into a concert or a movie, traffic back-ups, buying groceries or holiday gifts, or the most recent lines for the latest gaming console: We all have a lot of waiting in store for the next couple weeks. Are you ready for these lines? If not, then why not prepare yourself with one the home simulation version, Waiting in Line 3D!

I seriously have no idea how to express how amazing this game is without acting like every statement is meant to be pure sarcasm, so let’s just start at the beginning, shall we? Waiting in Line 3D brings the joy of early Doom visuals and sound effects with the recent re-discovery of eight-bit graphics thanks to Minecraft to give a twisted, humorous look at the joys of waiting in a line. The controls are simple, sticking to the tried and true arrow keys to move, shift to jump, and the space bar to punch yourself right in the face. Oh, and nearly every button is useless unless you want to stare at the ugly mugs of the people around you.

There’s no story, so you get to make one up for yourself, one of the key perks to this game’s success. I play as a man named Keith Humperdink. He’s in line to buy tickets to a Gwar concert in a conservative religious community overtaken by robots with a glitch in their programming that makes them like Gwar for some reason. Oh, and their opening band Shat. I’m an Atheist by the way. Oh, and my girlfriend didn’t want to wait in line, so she’s at home asleep in the warm comfy bed while I’m stuck out here in cold dealing with people I don’t know. And I swear if the guy behind me sneezes on me one more time…

Waiting in Line 3D

There’s a baby that keeps crying, the ignorant loud mouthed bragger who thinks he’s god, some guy with his car windows down blasting the same same damn song by ManCub, and the groupies who constantly talk about how many musicians they apparently slept with while comparing STDs. My stomach is rumbling, I’m starving, I’m on edge, and what’s worse: I have to pee… But I won’t let myself or my girlfriend down because, let’s face it, if I come through with this, I’m gonna get me some. We just started dating, so spending a lot of money for a concert five hours away (one way mind you) is sure to get me laid! Right?

It’s been three days now, and the line just won’t move. It’s been this way since I got here! It doesn’t even look like the venue is open! It’s a bitter below 10 degrees, and some random homeless guy stole my coat. I burned my shoes for warmth during the night, and ate the ashes for nourishment since I can’t possibly leave the line for a sandwich without being stuck all the way at the back again, and I waited too long for that to happen. And, hey! Hey! Wait a minute! That whore just cut in line! Oh, yeah, you were holding her spot. Ok, bull! I know she wasn’t here I’ve been waiting the same amount of time as you! No! No, screw you! Back of the line! Oh come on, she’s got friends? FRIENDS?! You gotta be kidding m…No I won’t calm down officer! They just cut in line! Are you kidding me?! I’m missing days of work for this! My cell died and nobody will let me use theirs, so I probably just lost my job at this point because I can’t call in, and you’re telling me to calm down! You calm down! You calm down and OH GOD! IT BURNS MY EYES! WHY THE MACE?! AND NOW THE KICKING? POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!!! AAARGH! OH GOD WHY! WHY!?!?! SATAN! YOU OWE ME! AAAAARGH! Ugh… hern… huh… ow…

Ugh… Hey. Hey, can you, can you move back a bit so I can… What? Oh come on! You saw I was right here! You saw the police officer beating me down! What’s wrong with you, Steve! For god’s sake, I babysit for you! I’m your daughter’s god father! You can’t let me back in li… HEY SHUT UP! I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU! Come on, bro, let me back in line. Whaddaya mean I gotta go to the back, my eyes burn and my body kills! Come on, help a brother out here!

Well, fine! Next time you and Marcy wanna role play in a hotel, call someone else to watch Jessica! Stupid ass rackin’ frackin’… Making me go all the way to the back of the line. OH I’LL GO TO THE END OF THE LINE! Yeah, you just stand there with your Matchbox Twenty band shirt in a line for a Gwar show. WRONG CONCERT, ASSHAT! Oh, it’s ironic? You’re being ironic? Yeah, I’ll give you ironic. I’ll give you ironic upside your head. I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was dealing with a hipster douche! “Oh they’re not popular any more and the polar opposite of the bands we’re here to see. Blahdeh blah!” Yeah, you keep telling yourself that… Whatever helps you sleep at night! WhatEVER helps you sleep at night!

Poser…

My god, how long have I been here? When did I sleep last? Oh, yeah, two days ago. Man I’m hungry. Need food. Need caffeine. Need sleep… Need… Something… I… No! I can’t sleep! Especially now, they’ll take my spot and the homeless guy may come back for my pants. Must stay awake… Must… stay……

Waiting in Line 3D

And that’s the game!

The goal to Waiting in Line 3D is to just stay awake by any means necessary, which is by punching yourself in the face until you finally pass out, or you kill yourself. Either way it’s a win/win compared to waiting in line and having homeless people steal your clothes while you’re stuck eating char remnants of your shoes for nourishment in ten degrees below fahrenheit weather while that poser Steve watches you get drug out of the line to be abused by a police officer and then refuses to let you back in line. I wonder what level of Hell it is I’m in. Sixth? Maybe seventh? Screw it, I CHOOSE DEATH!

Waiting in Line 3D

Well, that was fun. Wait, that didn’t even kill ninety seconds?! Well, let’s try this again then…

Click here to play Waiting in Line 3D!