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Consider Me Dead: Young at Heart
Electronica, Emo, Pop
Standby Records
April 8th, 2014
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It’s very rare I get a promo I am kinda expected to review that goes way out of the site format. For the most part it’s just a close format I’m not too familiar with, which is what I started the Outside the Box column for. But this… My god, if anything ever screamed wretched Emo Pop Electronica, Consider Me Dead is the perfect example.

Ok, let me defend one thing first. While I’m not an avid fan of Electronica or Dub-Step, I’ll gladly admit I don’t hate it as much as I probably should. In fact if done right I can really get into both. And that’s one thing that Consider Me Dead can do right once in a while. There are a few songs those elements become incredibly infectious and managed to give me a decent boost to my step. The chorus to “The Eulogy Ballroom” is a slower pace that had my head bobbing along to it, and some of the music in the later main verses was simple enough to grab my attention.

That said, I will never come to understand why people think this whiny woe is me “you left me girl and I should kill myself” Emo bullshit is so damn popular in this day and age, especially when done as poorly as it is on Young at Heart. I’m willing to usually look at things as I’m not the demographic, I’m too old for it, or similar excuses as to why I think something out of my wheelhouse doesn’t please me. Even with today’s Pop music in general and all things about it: I’m too old and it’s not geared to me. But this is the kind of “music” that is crippling real artists and feeding only to the lowest common denominator in society, and I firmly believe part of the reason why kids today are whiny little bastards that need to be locked in a cold dark cellar with the only technology being speakers rigged into the walls blasting Metal cranked to eleven for months on end. Take away the iPads and the iTunes and their Xboxes and what have ya, that way they’ll have something to really cry about…

But moving onto Young at Heart itself, I don’t even know where to begin explaining what is wrong with it. Auto-tuned vocals that still sound out of tune, whiny as hell lyrics, god awful music, and stupid choices for background effects or vocals and oh so much more all litter this release every step of the way. “Up All Night” alone is so stomach wrenchingly bad that by the time it ended and the overly happy Electronica that sounds like J-Pop attempted to put itself into a diabetic coma on “Rise of the Harlot” actually caused me to throw up a bit in the back of my mouth. I do have to give the latter track credit for giving a darker sensation similar to what Hollywood Undead is capable of, a group I have no real problems with and actually find some of their material catchier than I probably should. But the chorus just doesn’t work due to how sudden it ends up being, not to mention how contradictory and thin it is in comparison.

Admittedly, when the whining and delusional obsessive happy music is kept away, Consider Me Dead can become a bit tolerable, though the vocals are never redeemed outside the screams in “Like Thunder.” The chorus here is surprisingly empty for Dub-Step, especially compared to the main verses and their subtle modern eight-bit gaming sound the Electronica gives off. “Digital Demons” is pretty restrained overall and, while not dark, it just makes for a catchy track that isn’t quite as grating. Even the vocals do sound a little better at times thanks to the higher falsetto pitch they can hit without really becoming as whiny as nearly every other song on here. The random Dub-Step solo just past the two minute mark is a nice touch, though there’s no reason for the random singing clips to appear, and it definitely doesn’t transition back to the slower chorus well at all. And yes, I just defended a song from Consider Me Dead from a critical point of view. Please hold off on revoking my Metal card as every positive thing I said about it and the band is literally slitting its own wrist as soon as “Young at Heart” starts.

This is easily the most atrocious song of the album, and, of course, it’s the title track, the selling point of the entire experience. Why not? The music sounds like an eighties Electronica nursery rhyme, the vocals are lower in the main verses but become obnoxious and off-key in every bridge and chorus, and the music in the latter part once again drops the deeper elements for lighter pitched music that doesn’t flow well at all. I also have no idea if it’s my head misinterpreting some of the noises or the vocalist’s obnoxious singing, but it also seems like little kids singing along to it. Oh, and did I mention the lyrics are whiny again? Yeah, that’s there’s that too. Oh and all of this gets worse by “The Witching Hour,” as if someone purposely put the entire album out of key with any sense of pitch or tone. Words can’t even begin to describe the closing to that track, but thankfully it’s only at the very end.

The start to “Pointless Chase” actually surprised the hell out of me in the fact that it sounds like Disco. It definitely seems more like that was a fluke than an actual callback to a genre of music that I’d much rather be listening to than this. Seriously, if I were to die and burn in Hell today, and the Devil gave me the choice of disco for an eternity, or one spin through Young at Heart to get a second chance to enter the pearly gates of Heaven, I’d tell him to pack my ass full of red hot coals and call me his Disco Queen because I don’t think I could stand listening to this album start to finish one more time.

Ok, fine, looking at this rationally, I’ll reiterate it again: I’m clearly not the demographic Consider Me Dead is aiming to reach. I’m not an optimistic whiny little love struck punk who can’t get over my first crush and keep a journal writing down my suicidal thoughts and attempts because she’s long gone and with that dumb jock Biff. I’m a broke, run down, crotchety twenty-eight soon to be twenty-nine year old disabled adult who is stuck in a dead-end job with no hopes, no dreams, and knows that tomorrow is only going to push me closer to an early grave. In my old man ears, Young at Heart is nothing but a claptrap of flimflammery horsefeathers with very few redeeming factors. It’s stupid nonsensical tween-wave twattery.

Much like the episode of South Park that covered this style of “music,” it sounds incredibly detrimental and in the long run will surely only hurt those who listen to it by pushing onto them this electronic garbage laced around decent Dub-Step is an acceptable form of music to aspire and live off of. The output of Consider Me Dead, who I will hope from this day forward will be a name that greatly reflects their career or general existence as a band, will easily kill more brain cells than the weeks of binge drinking you’ll go through to get it out of your skull, which I’m gonna have to do after suffering through it four times for the sake of this article. I mean, the only other option for me is to stare into the eye of the older gods, and as far I know Chthulhu hasn’t risen yet from the shores, so I’m kinda screwed there.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do what I’ve been holding back this entire time: Vomit my guts out and hope it gives me some kind of nice, trippy White Zombie ride like that unwashed salt-covered baked potato from Outback Steakhouse I took a bite out of did for me. The things I do to myself so you people have something to read. I hope you’re happy.

Love/Hate
Love/Hate

Digital review copy of this release provided by Standby Records.