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Hidden in the avalanche of recent Metal promos was False Dancers, the latest album by the band Monogamy Party. This is a four piece Punk and Noise group that signed to Good to Die Records. Clearly, this isn’t something I would normally cover here, but since I have the promo, I decided to give it a shot. Sadly, I wish I never did.

Monogamy Party sounds like a mixture of eighties Punk trying to have a groove to it, all the while acting like they’re Jane’s Addiction laced with My Chemical Romance and a hint of Mathcore. In some instances, it kind of works. I found my head bobbing along to a few tracks thanks to the catchy bass performance, which was the only instrument on the recording not intent on giving me one hell of a migraine. The focus on this instrument during much of “Ashamed” made it an instant favorite from the release for me, though the high pitched and shrill guitar distortions in the chorus made me want to run to the nearest living thing and kill it in hopes that it would make the pain stop.

False Dancers also seems intent on trying to purposely find every musician present to be horribly off-key with one another, especially the incredibly tone-deaf vocals, if you can call them that half the time. “Wasted Time” has a twisted atmosphere thanks to the guitars, which sounds good if you look at it as if some kind of negative drug rush or a really bad buzz from a drink someone slipped a roofie in. But, most of the time in this track, the vocals sound uninterested, coming off as if the vocalist is just talking with an annoying sound and off-key pitch to them that only gets worse when the nasal shouting clashes against the increasingly screwed up and high pitched guitar shrieks the band belts out.

Of course, this isn’t the worst of whatever circle of Hell this experience is. Sometimes what I assume to be a saxophone, or perhaps even a kazoo amplified to eleven, is brought into the mix and, can you guess what it does? You got it! Play extremely loud, high pitched notes that sometimes don’t even go together, as if an ADHD riddled three year old on a sugar rush decided to blow on the wind instrument they had to bring home to practice on for their once-a-week grade school’s mandatory music class, running throughout the house proclaiming “I’m the bestest musician in the world!”

False Dancers also isn’t this group’s first album. In 2011, they dropped their debut recording, Pus City, through Good to Die Records as well. It’s hard to believe that this group managed to do well enough to be carried for a follow-up, let alone get signed in the first place. I’ve heard my share of bands in the Noise genre. In fact I own a few seven-inch vinyl EPs I picked up years ago on accident through a sale Relapse Records was holding on their website that I held on to because, surprisingly, the performances were actually solid. This, however, is just a group of musicians being completely obnoxious for absolutely no point whatsoever. It’s not ironic, it’s not smart, and it’s not appealing. I admit if the band weren’t trying so hard to be so irritating, most of the songs would actually be catchy and enjoy. But, they don’t, and all the material does it make you want to down an entire bottle of Tylenol Extra Strength/

Maybe it’s a sign of the times with me, but for the love of all things good and heavy in this world I hate this CD with every fiber of my being! Maybe I’m at the point my parents were at, where this new-fangled “music” kids these days listen to is nothing but noise to my aging ears. Perhaps I’m just too old to get it. Then again, I get Iwrestledabearonce, the Crab-core movement, Dub-Step, hell I even get Brokencyde even though I’d never buy one of their albums! I guess in a way I kind of get this release, but just can’t understand why it has to exist…